Fifty Shades Reality
by Annamay Miller
Summary: A spoof on fifty shades, how it really is. Very funny
1. Chapter 1

Fifty Shades Reality

Chapter One

It was a Saturday I think when I stumbled into his office still drunk from the night before. My inner goddess screamed at me ''why did you have that third bottle of wine and those jager bombs?!'' my breath stank of puke and I had chunks in my curls.

Keep calm I thought, at least I had brushed the kebab salad from my hair although I'm not sure where the rest of the kebab went.

Anyway, I had an important meeting to attend. There he was, his jeans hanging off his hips…Oh my!

His beer belly was pushing his jeans down low, my inner goddess was giggling.

After a few embarrassing questions, he asked me on a date. ''Get in!'' I thought and off we trotted to wetherspoons. He's such a charmer. ''I've definitely hit the jackpot here'' I said with mayo dripping down my chin from my burger.

Oh my, I think I'm a little bit wet but then I realise I've missed my mouth completely and my pint is sloshing around in my pants.

We carried on our hot date, he stared up at me with those steel grey eyes, I hope he doesn't know I stole all the sauce sachets from the basket on the table. My inner goddess shook her head at me. ''Keep nose out!'' I thought. ''Would you like another drink?'' he asks FOOLISHLY. Already I could tell he didn't know me very well. ''I'll just have a bottle of pinot please and none of that single serve crap either'' I said.

The night ended well and we went back to his bachelor pad littered with beer cans and over flowing ash trays. In the middle of the room stood a huge electric keyboard and he showed me his finest rendition of chopsticks. It was awe inspiring. We headed to the bedroom, when I felt his hands down there I knew today would have been a good day to get the garden shears out.

There were pictures on all the walls like a gallery, cars, page three girls and the masterpiece the Pamela Anderson. I was in awe of his excellent taste. This guy had it all, charm, charisma and Boney M playing through his I-Pod. What's a girl to do next?

I woke in a haze the next day, ''Where am I?'' I said to myself, then I felt the familiar stab in my back and I rolled over to his delicious scent, morning breath mixed with BO. ''I could bottle this'' I thought.

I was hungry, Christopher insisted I go and make breakfast. Eager to impress I rifled through his cupboards ''stop snooping'' my inner goddess whispered, ''shut your face!'' I hissed back. Honestly, can't have a minute!

I finally trayed up the breakfast to impress, weetabix with a sprinkling or wetherspoons sugar on it for extra stamina and a red label tea (not that English breakfast tea!) ''god I'm good'' I chuckled as I waltzed back into the bedroom.

He enjoyed his breakfast so much he insisted on taking me out for the day. His car was amazing, a half red half blue ford fiesta. He strapped me in to the booster seat and I was smiling from ear to ear about my impending trip to skeggy. I was like the cat that got the cream until I looked down and gasped in horror ''oh no my camel toe!'' I shuffled awkwardly in my seat to hide my camel toe but it was no use. Then I had an idea, the penny jar we had brought with us for the slot machines. I sat it on my knee, close to my tummy, there camel toe gone! ''Would you like to watch me on the car racing games when we get there?'' he asked. I bit my lip in anticipation , the ache and whirling in my tummy to intense to ignore anymore, that was it….I puked on my lap…Car sickness, it's always been a fault of mine.

The day was fun and we went back to his (again) ''did you enjoy the machines?'' he asked, ''oooh yes'' I replied. He clasped my hand and led me to a locked room. My mind was racing. ''why is it locked?'' my inner goddess screamed sounding alarm bells in my head. I could feel my heart thrumming in my chest as he turned the key with sweat dripping down his perfectly groomed face. My eyes lit up and I gasped in horror. ''What are these things?'' I cried, ''this is a dyson, and this furry fluffy thing udes for tickling is a feather duster'' he replied. Oh my! I gazed in bewilderment.

His grey eyes narrowed and his mouth in in hard line. ''First I need you to read this'' he said handing me a document. It was a contract, he wanted me to be his Dom as in Domestic help. What would I do? I wanted this man, I read on…


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

I cast my eyes over the contract, You will assist me in any way I need be it sexually or culinary, you will always trim your clout, You will wash and iron all of my clothes, You must never get pregnant, You will entertain all my female friends even though I know you don't like it.

''Oh Christopher'' I cry, ''can I do this?'' my inner goddess is screaming at me ''do it, do it!'' but there's more..

I need you to be a chef in the kitchen, a hooker in the bedroom and not to long in the bathroom. I think for a second carefully caressing my marigolds. Could I do this? Is this what excites him? I twang my glove against my tear stained cheek…that bloody hurt!…oh yes, that's what he likes.

I decided to let him sweat for a while before I sign. Over dinner of fish fingers and chips he very romantically suggests I need new clothes. ''I know the place'' he says, pulling me by the hand to the spiral staircase (nine flights up might I add!) He blindfold's me as a surprise, I've no idea where I'm going then I hear it. ''GET YOUR TOPS TWO FOR A TENNER, SKIRTS ANALL, GET YER TOPS'' oh my! I'm on Doncaster market. I couldn't believe it, there's even a Primark next door. Oh my jeez, just how much money does this guy make at McDonalds? I am a lucky girl, I know he's in charge of the griddle but f**k me!

I hugged him with thanks and stared at this glorious being walk down the high street leaving me to carry my bags. I notice he's deep in conversation on his LG chocolate. 'hmmmm, who could that be?'' my inner goddess snarls.

All this is to much, I needed time to think. I know I've been swept off my feet, treated like a lady by this gorgeous man, short pasty looking and well, a little bit handsome. My inner goddess has taken the day off just when I need her the most. Typical!

''I'd like to spend some time with my friends tonight'' I quipped as he wiped the latte moustache from his lips. ''Without me?'' he answered, ''yes without you'' I replied, I knew I had to stand my ground with this one. He stirred a fourth sugar lump into his coffee. ''I just need time to think Christopher, this is all so sudden, it's been a whirlwind and I love it but I need time.'' He let go of the spoon in the mug and it stood up all on it's own. I honestly thought he had magical powers. ''Ok you go, have fun'' he said, so that's what I did.

My mates and I hung out at flares, we danced all night and got a bit poorly on the pavement outside. My head was spinning from all the cheeky vimto's spiked with vodka and my heels from the market had snapped. ''Oh no! he's going to be so mad, he spent his giro on these ''I cried.

I looked up in my dazed state and he was there with a ticket for the night bus and a big mac. ''Oh my Christopher. I gathered all my belongings off the floor, the tampon had rolled away but that didn't matter I was going to be with my lover.

We got the lift (not doing those stairs again) I flicked the lettuce from my hair and the relish from my lips. I was going to be phenomenal.

He guided me with a shaky smack head hand to the shower. ''I want you here and now'' he said. Pulling down my greasy hair I peeked through my lashes at his wonderful shower room, a cubicle only big enough for your arm and tiles grouted in mould and mildew. ''wow'' I thought, life couldn't get much better than this.

I drank in his wonderous smell, or would that be the floater he'd left in the toilet this afternoon? I let myself go, fall apart beneath him, oh no wrong again!. That would be me stumbling through the holes in his floor boards. ''Shit'' I screamed as the lights dimmed around me and I fell into unconsciousness'.

I awoke the next day with a strange feeling around my ankles. My legs felt heavy and weighted. With the sun blazing down on my face I come around and see I have a ball and chain around my leg and I'm shackled to the kitchen sink. ''What is this?'' I cry..''you cant do this Christopher, I havent signed the contract yet!'' He pursed his lips then smiled, ''Come, we will discuss this over dinner, I want you first though.'' he said.

He took the padlocks off my legs and we went to our favourite place, wetherspooons. I ordered a fish bowl, Christopher ordered a pint of lager. ''So what parts of the contract aren't you happy with?'' he asked, ''well'' I began sternly, ''if you think I'm cleaning that bathroom sink, you can get squashed!''


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

I really didn't know what to say to Christopher but eventually I decided I loved this man so I signed the contract and set right to work.

I cleaned the mould out of his mugs, and the jiz off his Pammy pictures. While rooting through his cupboards made me nervous, I couldn't help but smile. I had my man, my Adonis, my Mcdonalds working hunk.

Whistling away happily to myself with a huge grin I opened his bottom draw. ''OH MY!'' I gasped ''What is this garment before me?'' It was a tabard and not just any old tabard, in the finest gold embroidery was the name Beryl. My inner goddess was pissing herself laughing! I could not believe it, I was not his first Dom, there had been someone else, Beryl!

I decided to confront him. I stormed into the living room where he was cutting his toe nails. 'Who the hell is Beryl?'' I demanded, 'errrm she, she worked for me., but she doesn't anymore, I have you now'' he said with his steel grey eyes on the floor. 'And how long did she work for you?'' I asked. ''About three times a week.'' he replied. How could I stay mad at him.

After the house was clean I settled into some comfortable clothes to watch coronation street. What with all the excitement I had a lot of catching up to do. Christopher came sauntering in from the bathroom with my favourite Mickey mouse towel hanging from his gut smiling his best I've got no teeth smile. His face turned angry then he shouted ''YOUR WEARING MY SOCKS!…do you remember me giving you permission to wear them?'' he kept on. I shuffled awkwardly in my seat trying to hide them under the sofa. ''Oh no, mad Christopher'' I thought, quickly removing them from my feet and handing them back. ''They stink!'' he said, I said nothing ''oh well they will have to do'' he said slipping them effortlessly on to his feet. ''I have something for you'' he said so I followed him to the spare room. My eyes lit up and I shrieked with delight ''Oh wow is this for me?'' ''I need you safe, I don't want you on the bus anymore'' he said. He had bought me my own Raleigh shopper bike, it even had a basket on the front and everything. ''Oh Christopher!'' I said as I flung my arms around him.

This man is everything to me. I wanted to shout it from the roof tops but I couldn't I would be late for my job stacking shelves at home bargains. Oh how I love my job!

The day dragged on and I kept checking my Nokia to see if he'd called but nothing! ''I wonder if he's ok?'' my inner goddess suggested. ''I know, when I get home I will make him his favourite, Chicago town ham and pineapple pizza and micro chips, he loves that'' I thought.

When he arrived home he showered straight away, as he came out of the bathroom, tears pooled in my eyes. ''Christopher! What's happened?'' I cried his face was covered in blood. I reached to touch his face but he winced away. Obviously a hard limit. ''It's you!'' he shouts angrily. ''You've been using my razor again. Oh my poor, poor Christopher. He stormed out of the room ''I'LL SEE THEE'' he shouted as he slammed the door behind him.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Christopher was so mad at me, I wanted to buy him a present but what do you buy the man who has everything? I decided to go to home bargains after all I do have my staff discount. I also thought it was time I took the Raleigh shopper for a spin. It was a bit of a twat getting her down the nine flights of stairs from Christopher's apartment but once outside the world was my oyster. Oh how it glided along the pavement and pedestrian crossings and along the parked cars. Now that I had a use for my basket I scooped up the wing mirror and placed it in my basket and carried on my route, singing as I cycled.

I hate Saturday shoppers, always in the way. 'Get out my way granny' my inner goddess yelled. Honestly! Elderly of today! Home bargains was packed and I was getting stopped in every isle. 'You not working today love?' 'cant find those limited edition Frey Bentos pies anywhere!'….jeez give me a break! I get to the DIY isle and find what I'm looking for, it's a pen knife that's also a keyring and a torch, I mean what more could he want? I find myself in the cleaning products isle 'oh my they have everything!' bleach, polish, toilet cleaner. I look at all the products wondering which one will excite him the most. I cradle my hands around the toilet duck, oh how it bends at the neck. My cheeks reddened(or flushed for that matter!) and I knew I had to have it right there. I put it in my basket. 'I bet Beryl wouldn't know what to do with this, he's going to be one happy Christopher tonight I thought.

By the time I was done I was weighted down with goods(feels familiar) I tied my bike to the lamp post and headed up the stairs snagging my bags on the way and watching ten tins of beans dent and crash to the floor. 'These stairs are going to be the death of me' I cried. I had noticed a muscular change in my calves though. Christopher wasn't back yet, 'where the hell is he?' my inner goddess grumbled. I dumped the shopping on the side and opened the fridge. 'No bloody milk and I've just been shopping!' I wailed. I decided against the tea and had a Rosie apple instead, that's a cider and wine cocktail. Mmmm just what I needed. I pulled my jeans from the crack of my bum, bloody bike seat and took to the sofa. I didn't know when Christopher would be back so I decided against having a snoop round the place. What would he think if he knew I'd left my bike downstairs? I pondered the thought. My inner goddess was shaking her head at me bloody do gooder! I decided to go and check it was ok and I could also collect the beans that had rolled away. As I got down stairs my face dropped and I gasped in horror. Someone had bent my wheels and spray painted 'chav bikes R gay' all over it. They had even bent my basket but who would do such a thing?'' I wailed. I didn't think I had any enemies, well only that girl in the kebab shop queue but I was well within my rights.

I crouched and examined my bike wondering what to do. Tears pooled in my eyes. At that moment there was a loud shout and I almost shit myself. Oh no it was Christopher!

'I told you fiver each way on grans tit' he shouted, 'retard!' he added sternly before slamming his mobile shut. I peeped up shyly through my lashes wishing the ground would swallow me. ''babbie what's happened?' he said in a soothing tone, I….I….don't know, I went shopping and….and….' I said, 'sshhhh' he said leading me back upstairs. My inner goddess was wondering why he's being so calm, where was mad Christopher? I liked him.

'Are you not mad with me?' I asked as he paced the kitchen. He parted the blinds and looked out of the window. He did not answer. The third time he did this I realised he was scared, scared Christopher, I'd never seen scared Christopher 'oh my poor love, what must have happened to you?' I wondered. Then he spoke, his mouth in a hard line if you know what I mean 'Its not a Chav bike and its not gay, it's a Dom cycle' he said for then I realised it was not bought for me it was what all his Doms used. It must have been Beryl's…


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

I was frightened of Beryl, really frightened. I even bought myself an alarm from home bargains as I was scared she would come after me on my way to work. After all she did wreck my bike! Christopher told me he had to let her go as she was to old for the job in mind and had started to lose it a bit. My worst fears came true whilst I was huddled in the door way on my fag break. She approached me and began hitting me with her stick. The next thing I knew I was on the floor. It stank of wee. I peeped up through my lashes 'phew' she'd gone. 'She was hard as nails' I got back on my feet and began brushing the tab ends and litter off my Primark coat, my head was bleeding from where she'd hit me with the stick but I think it was the blow from the hand bag that took me down. I rolled my eyes and bit my lip, I wanted to find her and have it out with her but where would she be? Then it came to me, bingo, she would be at Mecca. I saw her there all bedraggled with I've just fucked someone up hair. Bravely I limped over to her wanting to know what her problem was. She stared at me, fury on her face, 'You stole my Christopher, I was his Dom, I've looked after him and loved him, you will never take my place' she ranted. 'Loved him?' I asked horrified, 'yes loved him' she replied. That was it, the whirling in my tummy was back and I threw up on her dobbers.

I couldn't believe it, I've waited all my life for this man and he's in to granny fanny. My inner goddess just fell off her chair laughing! There's no way I could compete with that. I still have all my teeth, I don't wee when I sneeze, I don't have blue hair and I don't like English breakfast tea! I just stared at her for a moment, she was tense I could tell. I don't know if its because she was scared or just waiting for the caller to call 32 for a full house. I stepped toward her and raised my finger to her face, I drew my breath and made my mouth into a hard line, I was cross Annie now.

She didn't get her full house, my inner goddess was doing the can- can round the bingo hall. I on the other hand stifled my tears and left with my head held high. A phone started ringing, I knew it was mine because I had Celine Dion as my ring tone. 'oh crap its work!' my boss was angry, he wanted to see me in his office. 'YOUR LATE' he said sternly, I bowed my still bleeding head. 'There has also been an allegation made against you; he added. If I thought Christopher was angry I hadn't prepared myself for boss angry. 'Annie this is a difficult matter to address but you were seen on the store CCTV attacking a customer in the delivery entrance at the back of the store.' 'Oh crap' I muttered. My mouth ran dry I bit my lip and shuffled awkwardly in my seat. I wanted to speak but the words would not come out. There was only one way to deal with this, no one would ever know, least of all Christopher. I un buttoned the top button of my blouse, ran my tounge around my oh so eager mouth, 'take one for the team' I thought.

My boss was horrified and sacked me on the spot. I walked the long walk back to the apartment wondering what I would say to Christopher. I stopped off at Greggs bakery for a pasty on the way. At least he couldn't tell me off for not eating. 'Christopher, I have lost my job and had a fight with Beryl.' I said not meeting his eyes. 'She told me everything, I know you were sleeping with her to and that she loved you.' Christopher looked angry, he took his Kappa cap off and threw it at the wall. 'She's not and never has been my lover, she's my fucking mother!' he yelled. Suddenly it became clear, she was his domestic help and she did love him….as a son. 'How could I make this better? ' I sat on his bed with tears in my eyes. 'Why would his mother want to hurt me and wreck my bike?' 'I'm sorry about my mum, I should have told you. She is very controlling' he said. He smiled his cheeky I've got no teeth smile and threw me back on to the musty mattress. 'I want you to wear these' he said, holding out my marigolds, 'I've always liked you in rubber'. I slipped them on and gave them a twang, Christopher belched in appreciation. I knew what to do, I went to the locked cupboard and slipped on the tabard, it stank of pledge and piss. I slipped out of my pants and into my stiletto's, forgetting one was broken but the effect was still the same. I looked hot! I made my way back to the bedroom where Christopher was waiting.

We got down and dirty, literally. He tied my arms to the bed posts with his three day worn socks, stinky but thrilling all the same. Then he repeatedly battered me with the remote control because I'd put Emmerdale Farm on as backing noise. He pulled out a foil packet. It was a bit crumpled, he'd obviously had it in his wallet some time! Then I felt it, only for a second, it was like waving a pencil in a cave 'Oh my Christopher!' I cried. When we set to it he was like a spoon in a jam pot. It was most romantic, the sheep were bleeting in the background, he was grunting. Then I heard it, an agonising crack, he screamed my name 'Annie!' 'YES' I cried, 'its my back! Call an ambulance!' he screamed back to me.


End file.
